The Five Golden Rules for How to Win a Race

After 43 years, I’m finally writing the post that everyone’s been begging for. I’m giving away all of my secrets – and this comes with the industry-leading “John FitzGerald’s 100% success or your money back” guarantee. I’m going to tell you how to win a race!

And I’m eminently qualified to post on this topic. I’ve been racing solidly, off and on, for over 4 years. During those 4 years I’ve completed an astonishing 24 races, with a stunning win-conversion rate of…yes…wait for it… 0%!

That’s right, I’ve never officially “won” (do air quotes with your fingers as you read that word) a race. But I’m a winner nonetheless *GAG*, we all are! *RETCH* *GAG*

But seriously (ish), last weekend I did win my FIRST-EVER race, and upped that win-conversion rate to 4%. It wasn’t a fluke. It was a cunningly master-minded plan. And winning this race has made me feel so much better as a person that I think everyone should experience this. So I’m going to share my secrets with you!

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Here are the Five Golden Rules for How to Win a Race™ (free to you, my loyal reader!):

  • Golden Rule 1: The less people you race, the better. It goes without saying that if you are the only person in the race, you’re guaranteed to win it! (providing you manage to finish, of course). Pick a small race, the smaller the better. If necessary, ask your kids to come out and race you up and down your street (unless they’re over 12 – you might not win!). I’ve picked up many, many golds in the Rudd St 50m Dash Before Dinner.
  • Golden Rule 2: The slower your competitors, the better. Pick a weekend when there is another, more prestigious event on nearby. This will draw most of your competition away and leave you to contend with the social racers (and perhaps the odd cherry-picker like yourself!).
  • Golden Rule 3: The less established the race is, the better. Pick a new race – word hasn’t got out yet; most people still don’t know about it. Get in while you can. Be careful picking the very first incarnation of a race as there will be publicity and this can attract quality athletes looking to get a bit of press and make a name for themselves. Go for the second or third instalment of the race, when a bit of the gloss has come off.
  • Golden Rule 4: Look for a course change. Sometimes the first edition of a race will have teething issues – like a course that’s a bit too long. If they announce they’re going to shorten the course then get on it! It might not help you win the race, but if you do, you’re almost guaranteed a course record. BONUS!
  • Golden Rule 5: Other stuff. Plus you need to do all the other usual stuff: train, recover, eat well, sleep well, take PEDs if there’s going to be no drug testing, take PEDs even if there is going to be drug testing but then bribe the testers…. just all the usual training and racing stuff.

It’s taken me YEARS to formulate these Five Golden Rules for How to Win a Race™, and last weekend was the culmination of all that research, when I put them to the test at the Kawana parkrun.

Kawana parkrun fitted Golden Rule #1 perfectly: only 44 competitors. Straight away there’s a 2% chance of winning! The day after Kawana parkrun, just 30 mins up the road, was the Noosa Triathlon – Australia’s marquee Olympic-distance triathlon. This would pull in all the local athletes, so Golden Rule #2 was covered! It was only the second running of the Kawana parkrun and the first had been 500m too long, necessitating a course change – Golden Rules #3 and #4 also in the bag. And when you take a bit of training and sleeping (no PEDs sorry) into account, Golden Rule 5 was a check too, leaving me perfectly placed to snare my first win!

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And snare it I did. A quick first km, then around the lighthouse revealing stunning views, and a long struggle home for an 18:33 5km – I took the win and set a new Kawana parkrun course record. And I’m a better person because of it! The Golden Rules were the difference – if I’d run an 18:33 the following week at my local Main Beach parkrun, it would only have netted me 6th place.

You want to be a better person, don’t you? Then you need to win a race! Simply follow these Five Golden Rules for How to Win a Race™ and you will become a better person, guaranteed!

PS. If you love these Five Golden Rules and would like to know more, you can buy a copy of my book “How to become Awesome, and Rich, and Really Super-Happy Forever!” coming soon to all good booksellers.

PPS. There was a healthy dose of sarcasm in this post. If you couldn’t tell then… you’ve probably already amassed a fortune through the Nigerian lottery system. Congratulations!

waiting for the kids

Waiting for the kids to finish the Kawana parkrun

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